Advice from 40 year old me to 20 year old me
When I was turning 30 years old I wrote down some advice from 30 year old me to 20 year old me.
I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since that article was published and took on a life of its own.
I’m turning 40 soon and have spent time reflecting on the last decade that I’ve lived and the combined 20 years since I was 20. If I met that same 20 year old me today and had a conversation with him, this is what I would tell him in no particular order:
On life
The only real job of your life is to know yourself.
Start acting as if everything that happens in your life is for the good.
It’s OK to lie sometimes.
The question is usually more important than the answer. Ask better questions.
Love really does matter but you don’t know that yet. Saying the words “I love you” out loud, knowing that someone loves you, feeling true love or chemically induced love, it all matters deeply.
Hurt people hurt people but that’s not an excuse. Hurt people can choose to stop hurting people.
Go. To. Therapy.
On your actions
You are allowed to say no to anything without giving a reason.
Uncouple your self worth from your work.
You are not an exception because you want to be.
You don’t have to prove you are right. Sometimes just knowing it is enough.
Nobody cares about the shape or size of your stomach.
Eat the food that makes you happy and eat it without guilt.
Exercise as often as you can bring yourself to exercise. Ten minutes is all it takes.
Stop feeling embarrassed when you speak other languages, nobody thinks you’re dumb.
Nobody is thinking about you at all, almost ever. They’re too busy thinking about themselves.
Making other people look and feel stupid won’t make you feel better about yourself.
It’s OK to not have an opinion about something.
Your opinion isn’t worth more because it is the loudest.
Trust me, buy the best sleeping pillow money can buy.
You are not a tree. You can move. Use your agency.
It’s better to be a hypocrite than the same person forever.
On being patient
Waiting is an action.
Learn to enjoy the passage of time.
Wait five minutes before you react to anything big. Five minutes is all you need to gain perspective.
On business and entrepreneurship
Choose better ideas.
A profitable businesses is better than a venture-backed hole where cash disappears like magic.
Quitting is a viable option.
Sometimes what matters doesn’t pay and what pays doesn’t matter.
There’s more to life than being an entrepreneur.
On success
Your most recent success will never be enough, it just lays the floor for your next ambitious goal.
Do not blindly inherit your definition of success.
Success is not a shared experience. You succeed or fail within your own experience of life, not anybody else’s.
Success is not one dimensional. You think it’s only about money but it isn’t. Money facilitates things that make you happy.
Happiness is success.
On failure
Failure is the likely outcome to most things you will try. That’s OK.
Care enough about something to fail at it.
The only real failure is not trying.
On being wrong
Being wrong is a superpower. Every time you’re wrong, you learn something new.
Learn to apologise quickly and mean it.
The longer an apology takes the more difficult it will be.
You don’t lose control when you apologise, you gain control.
Sometimes people make you feel wrong even though you’re right.
On drugs
Not all drugs are made equal. Some are bad, some are good. Some are legal and some are not. Some will fuck you up and some will set your mind on a path that will change you forever and for the better.
Alcohol is a bad drug and it hates you, stop using it.
Drugs don’t feel the same to everyone.
Drugs are only scary if you let them control you. As my grandfather liked to say: “Drink the drink, don’t let the drink drink you.
If you’re buying drugs (I am not, in any way, suggesting that anyone should ever buy drugs) don’t be cheap. Expensive drugs are expensive for a very, very good reason.
On family
You do, in fact, get to choose your family.
DNA does not grant your relatives indefinite access to you and endless forgiveness.
You + her is a family.
On friends
Most of the friends you have are assholes. That’s ok for now because you’re a bit of an asshole too.
Break up with the assholes sooner.
Develop hobbies that help you make friends. It’s hard to make friends when you’re older.
It’s important to have a best friend and to be a best friend.
You might not be your best friend’s best friend and that’s OK.
On money
The tighter you hold on to your money the more difficult it is to make more.
For the love of all things intelligent, save 10% of your salary every month.
Spend money on experiences, not things.
If you believe in an idea invest in it heavily or not at all.
On travelling and moving
Move to a new country sooner. Your home is not where you were born.
Moving house often is good for you. You’ll learn to love having fewer things.
Travel more for fun, it’s your happy place.
Snowboard more, it’s the only place you feel at peace.
Travel alone more.
Travel with her more.
On life partners
Finding her was the best thing that ever happened to you but you don’t know it yet.
She is undoubtedly the most important person in your life. Don’t fuck this up.
A healthy relationship needs bad days, but not too many.
Be kind to her more than you criticise her.
Always choose her first.
If you won’t choose her first, leave her. But don’t leave her.
The last ones
Plan in decades. Think in years. Work in months. Live in days.
Don’t be too precious with new things. Wear that jacket in the rain. Drop your phone. Scratch your sunglasses. It’s only stuff.
Don’t listen to advice or rules that other people force on you. What works for them won’t work for you (even 40 year old Nic).
